what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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