At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
