You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
did you just send me my own nude
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
