all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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