I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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