i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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