K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
