Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
