and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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