theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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