2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
