that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
