Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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