My first STD was from a foam party
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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