She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
