can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
