So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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