Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
