I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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