The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
