I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
