my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
