she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
