I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
