Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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