I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
