How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
