I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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