im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
