I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
