Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
