Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
