It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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