I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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