My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
