Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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