I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
