It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
