the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
