Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
