I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
