Quick, to the slutcave!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just had sex on a roof
I got inside last night via doggy door
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
