dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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