you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
