HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
