Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
