sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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