My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
