Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
