So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
