i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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